Christian Marriage: The Erotic Dimension as Portrayed in Amoris Laetitia

Introduction

For the intended purpose of this blog article, Amoris Laetitia Chapter 4, particularly from paragraph 151 till paragraph 164 will be observed and discussed. Pope Francis openly discusses the concept of love as eros in the Christian marriage in this apostolic exhortation. Along the document, he explains what the Church understands of this eros and he points out to human difficulties that the married life may encounter. He then goes further to discuss how the spouses can aim for the rightful image of a Christian marriage so that ultimately that marriage resembles the bond between Christ and the Church. Furthermore, he also insists on how love may transform along the long years of the married life to become something greater and stronger, especially when the erotic dimension of marriage start having a lesser intensity among the spouses.

Love as eros in a Christian Marriage

This section will discuss three aspects:

A. Sex as Intended by the Creator

Pope Francis is clear in Amoris Laetitia when he states that sexuality was created by God himself and thus, it is a gift for humanity.[1] For several reasons throughout history, the erotic dimension of love has had a negative mark on it that many believed and still believe that it has distorted the image and the deep core of marriage itself. While marriage is a partnership for the whole of life, the erotic part of it elevates it to its pedestal as marriage.[2] One cannot simply have an erotic relationship with a parent, a sibling or a first-grade cousin (Can 1091). It is not natural and this is not something that the Church alone perceives as such but even the secular legislations are on the same page like for instance the Maltese legislation.[3]

Up to this day, the idea that ‘it must be bad if it feels good’ is still on the minds of the Christians, perhaps on a subconscious level for most. Having St Augustine’s teaching at the forefront of the Church’s doctrine for all these years has left, and is still leaving to some extent, its impact on practicing Christians. Knowing that Augustine had the Manichean background before joining Christianity does show in his dualistic teaching of good versus evil, where everything that pertains to the body is bad while everything that pertains to the soul is good.[4] Although his teaching has had its credit, many scholars are of the opinion that his teaching left a negative impact on sexuality, particularly on sex within the context of marriage for the Christians. Any person, having this at the back of their mind, carries a certain weight and particular restrictions, in the sense that it alters the way people see one another, it plays a role in the way people look at sex in itself and it affects the reasons and actions people engage in the sexual act in and of itself. In the very first few centuries, the three goods of marriage were established, also by St Augustine [5], the bonum prolis, the bonum fidei and the bonum sacramenti.

The first good of marriage was procreation as Augustine placed it. This alone says a lot about how people have been viewing the concept of eros in marriage, keeping in mind and also science has shown, that not every sexual act leads to procreation. Someone existing today, can never understand what the human persons at the time have gone through in their marriages due to this teaching. Nevertheless, moral theology and canon law are to go hand in hand as pillars of the Catholic Church, yet sometimes the two do not quite converge[6] when it comes to this topic either and this is also misleading, or to be better put, it tends to be puzzling for those who really care about what the Church preaches.

To remain on the same line of thought of the Church, just as the virtues need several training and practice to become second nature (i.e. habitus), sexuality within marriage also requires a training of the passions so that it may be targeted to avoid the “impoverishment of an authentic value.”[7] Furthermore, eros being a gift of God, it is only natural for humans to have sexual desires. Thus, it is the way humans cultivate it that matters.[8] Sexual desires thus, are not to be belittled or to be despised of when exercised as intended by God.

Marriage is a call for maturity. The first thing that might come up to mind here is the fact that two persons promise each other forever and they actually commit themselves is what makes marriage the right space for maturity. However, this is not just it. Maturity in marriage is also when one makes good exercise of the virtues as well as of one’s desires and passions in an orderly manner. In fact, it is acknowledged that relationships are the place where human persons are called to obtain a mature and full spontaneity.[9] This spontaneity enriches the married life because it opens up and matures the heart itself. I would even dare to say that through one’s own maturity as shaped by the conjugal act when it happens as God wills it, it can help the human persons achieve a metanoia in the heart of the persons. Thus, human persons can come to get a better understanding of who God is, through the beauty that the eros dimension offers in marriage. It is believed that this is one of the points Pope Francis wishes to raise in Amoris Laetitia and thus, the heart is then enabled to realise “the nuptial meaning of the body and the authentic dignity of the gift.”[10]

Christine E. Gurdorf, in her book Body, Sex and Pleasure, has an entire chapter dedicated to the sexual pleasure and she tackles it from different points of view. An interesting point that she makes, is that because of the sexual bond with one’s spouse, each of the spouses become more knowledgeable and the vision of the spouses is enlarged. Just like in a relationship, one becomes more accustomed to things that their spouse likes that one might not have had interest in, helps one grow.[11] The most generic example that comes to mind right now is how sometimes men at work end up talking about make up with their female colleagues simply because they take interest when their wives either talk about make up or when they apply it for a special occasion. This so happens because the spouses are interested in each other and because they care for one another. The point the author tries to make here is that within a friendship, there is this level of interest and care as well but when it comes to a marital relationship this becomes even more so because the interest and care are not simply on a friendship level but the couple even share their deepest intimacies together. She makes it crystal clear that the interest of the spouse does not (and should not) replace one’s own interests but they should add upon them. And eventually, this kicks in even for pleasure, sorrow, weaknesses, strengths, etc…

B. Eros should not take any form of violence

“In no way, then, can we consider the erotic dimension of love simply as a permissible evil or a burden to be tolerated for the good of the family.”[12] Pope Francis goes further to say that on the contrary, this erotic dimension is God’s gift insofar as it cultivates the relationship of the married couple. While the relationship includes mutual respect, love and dignity, this passionate relationship becomes a “pure and an unadulterated affirmation.”[13] Furthermore, this image of the eros dimension of love shows the optimal level the human heart is capable of achieving.[14] There is no more sincere and intimate love than this love that Pope Francis is portraying in Amoris Laetitia.

Having this picture in mind, we are to be aware of the violence and the manipulation that sexual act may bring with it when it is not in the right order as God intended it to be in. The pope here expresses his thoughts of how contemporary thinking is based on the ‘use and throw away’ mentality which although he expresses his thoughts in the context of the environment in Laudato Si,[15] he also shows how wrong this can get in the conjugal act. When humans start looking at the little things in a way of how they can make good use of those things for one’s own pleasure, satisfaction or purposes, reality starts to distort. This is because humans then start looking at each other the same way they look at a pen for example. How does a pen serve me best? If it writes when I need it to. Parallelly, sex is often reduced to the simple action of that of a pen that puts ink on the paper and this also includes looking at sex merely for pleasure. Unfortunately, humanity has gone from one extreme (of sex being bad if it feels good) to another (it is good then I need to have it). What is often not realised is the fact that a pen is an object and it has no feelings, while sex involves the other person who has feelings and rationale. This can take many forms. It can be in the form of pedophilia, in the form of rape, but it can also take the form of an instrument in marriage which can sometimes be harder to detect even among adults ourselves. Thus, Pope Francis stresses that we need to be aware of what is going on around us in the world as Christians and try not to be ‘poisoned’ by this mentality.[16]

Indeed, as Gaudium et Spes acclaims, in marriage, the husband and the wife are called to express their love to one another in everyday actions that are truly human, and this of course, includes the erotic dimension in their marriage.[17] Intriguingly, St Paul is quoted in a very particular way here which is worth reflecting upon. The apostolic exhortation states that St Paul “brings up the possibility of postponing sexual relations for a period ‘by agreement’.”[18] This is very interesting because this sentence refers to every marriage, that aims to be the best it can and thrives to be as holy as possible. Every marriage goes through tough times, even simply, a small argument. It is true that some do admit of reconciling because of the erotic dimension of marriage but this is not always the case in all marriages. It might not be the case, but it could be that one of the parties might feel used if their spouse asks to reconcile in this manner. Through good communication, this is still possible. However, if this is the case, it would be best to indeed postpone such relations as the pope is suggesting.

Why does the pope suggest postponing by an agreement? Really and truly, just as the virtues can (or rather they should) become second nature, so can vices. It might be a good way to reconcile in such a manner sometimes, but it should not become the norm as it might distort the rightful distance between the couple. St John Paul II talked about the threatening of insatiability of the couple, that is, the difficulty to satisfy one another’s erotic desires.[19] Ultimately, the spouses “end up using sex as a form of escapism and renounce the beauty of conjugal union.”[20]

Furthermore, the apostolic exhortation goes further in quoting St John Paul II where he says that love includes no subjection where one of the spouses (particularly, he intended the wife) becomes a slave or a servant of the other because the relationship they should aim for includes subjection to one another and not of one of the parties only and he called this specifically “reciprocal self-donation of self which is also a mutual subjection.”[21] So, there is ‘submission’ if you will, but it is a reciprocal one. Thus, the spouses are to trust one another with their own bodies at the same time. Submission here should be indeed regarded as a free choice followed by mutual fidelity, care and respect. In fact, St Paul is quite clear on this. He in fact does not just tell the wives to submit themselves to their husbands and stops there. He then continues to say to the husbands to love their wives just as they love their bodies because St Paul then affirmed and assumed that no one ever did hate their own bodies (Ephesians 5).

Henceforth, eros and sexuality are not to be viewed as a self-sacrifice or as a self-donation of generosity. Thus, no spouse is to simply renounce all the personal needs to seek to assist and fulfil the other without taking care of the personal needs and satisfaction.[22] One must not forget that love which is authentic gives as well as receives. After all, man is created to love, and one cannot love alone nor just himself or herself as that would be on the brink of narcissism. Thus, in a relationship, especially in the context of the Christian marriage, love has to give as well as receive. On the other hand, it is of importance that when one gives, has some concern on receiving, be it a kiss, a hug, or a caress. We were created in imago dei with body and soul but as we cannot forget the soul, we cannot forget our body. Both the body and the soul need nurturing. “Should man aspire to be pure spirit and to reject the flesh as pertaining to his animal nature alone, then spirit and body would both lose their dignity.”[23] Therefore, although self-giving is key in the erotic dimension, so is the receiving part an important key and this includes everything, whether it is something pertaining to the physical part (a kiss or sex itself) or whether it is on the psychological and emotional part (compliments, care and respect).

C. Marriage vis-a-vis Virginity

Is marriage or virginity superior to one another? Amoris Laetitia devotes a few paragraphs on these two topics together. It is known for a fact that many unmarried people dedicate their time not only for their own families and friendships but also dedicate some, not to say a large portion, of their time for others including the Church community. It so happens that sometimes, their effort and time is not as recognised and this tends to cause a level of isolation for these people. Others dedicate their time for voluntary work, charity and other Church services. Others enter the consecrated life to dedicate their life to the love of their neighbour and to the love of Christ. Their devotion helps in enhancing the family life, the Church as a whole and society in general.[24]

“They are neither married nor are they given in marriage” (Mt 22:30). Love can also be recognised in virginity. It is in some way a projection of the fullness of heaven. It is also, a way of communicating with the coming of the Kingdom and in fact it shows a certain level of dedication towards the Gospel.[25] The apostolic exhortation goes further in saying that St Paul urged people towards virginity because he was expecting the parousia imminently and wished that everyone focuses on the Gospel and its message.[26] Furthermore, it states that St Paul expressed in his first letter to the Corinthians that this was his own opinion and thus it was not something asked for by Christ (1 Cor 7:25). However, it must be acknowledged that he did recognise the significance of different callings when in the same letter he states that every person has his own gift from God which is special to them and which is also of a different kind (1 Cor 7:7). What can be extracted from St Paul’s letter here? What Pope Francis took out of this was that St Paul clearly did not distinguish any superiority of one calling over another. All callings complement each other and individuals may be more perfect in a certain state of life then in another.[27] It all depends on every person’s calling and inclinations. One may look at virginity as the symbolic life closest to Christ’s devotion towards society and the Church, while one may also then glance at marriage as the symbolic relationship between Christ and the Church, or as Alexander Hales also adds, it can also symbolise the union of Christ’ divine nature and Christ’s human nature.[28]

One may reach the status perfectionis in every state of life one is called for. Married people can reach such perfection even through an experience of the highest degree of charity for instance.[29] “Virginity encourages married couples to live their own conjugal love against the backdrop of Christ’s definitive love, journeying together towards the fullness of the Kingdom.”[30] Conjugal love is therefore a reflection of the unity of the Trinity itself especially in its dynamics and the family is also the symbol of Christ. God is manifested in the family because it was God who took the initiative in the first place to create humanity. He fully demonstrated this to all humanity through the incarnation, the death and the resurrection.[31] Furthermore, “they become one flesh” (Gen 2:24) because they are willing to do so and because they are free to do so, and unite as one until death do them apart. Similarly, God became human to be one of us and so marriage has this historical dimension. While on the other hand, virginity then carries the eschatological dimension of Christ that is Risen. Thus, once again with this point, the pope clarifies that marriage and virginity are not to be compared on a superiority level but they are different ways of how humans are called to express their love to one another.[32]

The married state of life can be motivating and a good example for the virgin state of life. This is the next point Amoris Laetitia focuses on. Married people are presumed free when they give consent, and it is not considered so if otherwise (Can 1103). However, in the married life there are restraints as there are in any kind of state of life however the ones in married life may be seen as more restricting in the sense that married people might be seen as lacking freedom to some extent. The family requires things that the unmarried life does not. Married people cannot simply move from one residence to another, or spend money and time as one pleases. Marriage is a vocation because it requires a certain level of maturity and mindset. Those in the virgin state of life, can come to experience the generosity of God and his fidelity towards His Covenant when they glance at marriage.[33] Fidelity hand in hand with love is ultimately the culmination of marriage especially when cultivated from the beginning because as the couple grows older, the physique changes yet they remain faithful to one another, and they tend to and care for their spouse.[34] “In such love, the dignity of the true lover shines forth inasmuch as it is more proper to charity to love than to be loved.”[35]

Secularisation: Its Effects on Marriage

“Today, secularization has obscured the value of a life-long union and the beauty of the vocation to marriage.”^[36]Permanence and exclusivity in marriage are being put into question and whether they actually pertain to the natural law or not. Unfortunately, even the question of offspring is being put into question at this day and age. As we have already discussed, we currently live in a ‘use and discard’ society and this does not help marriage to properly cultivate. It surely puts a lot of obstacles for marriage. Pope Francis speaks of love as it transforms. He acknowledges that nowadays life spans are longer than the past and marriage is therefore a longer commitment.^[37] The decision taken on the altar has to be kept in mind and the spouses need to remind each other of the beautiful promise they gave to one another on their most special day as the years go by. Although by time, one or both spouses may no longer experience the intense sexual desires that they experienced initially, they may still experience the joy and the pleasure of the belonging that marriage creates and cultivates along the years, and they both know that they are not alone as they have their spouse with whom their everything is shared be it life’s most difficult situations or be it life’s most beautiful experiences.^[38] “There is no guarantee that we will feel the same way all through life.”^[39] Although the couple grows older and so beauty may change, and this can also happen in the early years of marriage due to illness or accident, the spouse keeps on looking at his or her spouse with the “eyes of love”^[40] because although the erotic dimension is the pediment of marriage and although it is also key for a healthy bonum coniugum, it is still not everything that constitutes marriage. Thus, the affection and love does not diminish as beauty may fade. “The marriage bond finds new forms of expression and constantly seeks new ways to grow in strength.”^[41] This is what strengthens and keeps the bond healthy. Pope Francis concludes this section on the erotic dimension of marriage by saying that all this is not possible without seeking the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit for his strength and grace as well as to help the couple remodel love in every situation that arise which is new to the married people.^[42]

Conclusion

Pope Francis has excelled in this very important topic of marriage. The erotic dimension in marriage is not something to be taken lightly and it is indeed a very complex subject. St John Paul II had opened the discussion with his theology of the body and it was a completely different way of looking at marriage especially by the clergy. It seems that Pope Francis yearns for a further discussion, at least to continue on his predecessors as this is not a topic that should be left hanging. There are millions of lives involved, which means that as much as wrong laws may make married people suffer in their married life, so does not tackling the subject. There is atill a lot that can be done and married people ought to be informed and opinion is to be asked from them because they are the ones with first-hand experience after all. The Church as a whole can then, by the help of the Holy Spirit, sift through these existential experiences and formulate further the teaching on the erotic dimension of marriage.

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[1] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 150.

[2] ‘Introduction to Sociology – 1st Canadian Edition’, Chapter 14. Marriage and Family (blog), 23 December 2019, https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontosociology/chapter/chapter14-marriage-and-family/#section14.1.

[3] Malta Marriage Act, Cap 255 (1970), Protocol of Application.

[4] A. Adam, Das Fortwirken des Manichäismus bei Augustin. In: ZKG (69) 1958, S. 1–25.

[5] St Augustine of Hippo, Edmund Hill, and John E. Rotelle, On Genesis, The Works of Saint Augustine Books, a translation for the 21st century / Augustinian Heritage Institute; Pt. 1 ; Vol. 13 (Hyde Park, NY: New City Press, 2002), 382.

[6] Ladislas Orsy, ‘Moral Theology and Canon Law: The Quest for a Sound Relationship’, Theological Studies, no. 50 (1989), http://cdn.theologicalstudies.net/50/50.1/50.1.7.pdf, 1.

[7] John Paul II, Catechesis (22 October 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 951.

[8] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 150.

[9] Catechesis (12 November 1980), 2: Insegnamenti III/2 (1980), 1133.

[10] Ibid., 1:1132.

[11] Christine E Gudorf, Body, Sex, and Pleasure (Cleveland, Ohio: Pilgrim Press, 1995). 136.

[12] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 152.

[13] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 152.

[14] Ibid.

[15] Francis, Encyclical Letter, Laudato Si, 2015. 16.

[16] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 153.

[17] Paul VI, Pastoral Constitution, Gaudium et Spes, 1965, 49.

[18] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 154.

[19] Catechesis (18 June 1980), 5: Insegnamenti III/1 (1980), 1778.

[20] Francis, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 155.

[21] Catechesis (11 August 1982), 4: Insegnamenti V/3 (1982), 205-206.

[22] Francis, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 157.

[23] Benedict XVI, Encyclical Letter, God Is Love: Deus Caritas Est, Encyclical Letter (Ignatius Press, 2006), 221.

[24] Fourteenth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops, Relatio Finalis (24 October 2015), 22.

[25] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 159.

[26] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 159.

[27] Ibid., 159.

[28] Glossa in quatuor libros sententiarum Petri Lombardi, IV, XXVI, 2 (Quaracchi, 1957, 446).  

[29] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016,  160.

[30] Ibid., 161.

[31] Ibid.

[32] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 161.

[33] Ibid., 162.

[34] Ibid.

[35] Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae, II-II, q. 27, art. 1.

[36] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 162.

[37] Francis, Apostolic Exhortation, Amoris Laetitia: On Love in the Family, 2016, 163.

[38] Ibid.

[39] Ibid.

[40] Ibid., 164.

[41] Ibid.

[42] Ibid.